


warframe shitposts

by Prestigius_Tentacle_Enthusiast



Category: Warframe
Genre: Author trying to be funny and failing, Bad Accents, Blood and Gore, Cephalon Simaris' Excellent Persuiasion Tactics, Demonic rituals turned into Interwievs, FUCK, Harrow the void fanatic, Hydroid being a Puddle, Multi, Payback, Raw - Freeform, Running Away, Shady Dealings, Swearing, Trading, Violence, Vor Stating The Facts, What Was I Thinking?, as, attempted pacifism, bad spelling form the author, i dont remember, poeple not being nice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-12-18 15:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11877552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prestigius_Tentacle_Enthusiast/pseuds/Prestigius_Tentacle_Enthusiast
Summary: Disclaimer: I have no idea how posting words on AO3 works so this is a bit experimentalOperator angst and Smut is nice and all but this place needs some comedySo I put my hand under the stone and this is what i've pulled out





	1. Chapter 1

Nezha ran.

 

He ran around the cyropod in a circle.

He ran fast enough to leave a trail of fire behind him.  
And Stalker followed him, carrying around that giant sword, not affected by the fire one bit.

“Nezha run like a bitch!” Volt screeched while trying to defend the cyropod from the corpus crewmans -who didn’t really care about the shadowy figure trying to annihilate the short frame.  
“the fuck do you think im doing ?!” Nezha screeched back while running like an absolute pussy, at the same time reached down, grabbed a rock and threw it at the stalker.  
Stalker grunted as the rock hit his head, doing jackshit at preventing him.

Volt shocked a Moa with electrifying pulses, the poor thing immadietly exploded. He then proceeded to shoot at least 5 more crewman with his boltor, the giant bullet-darts impaling them on a nearby wall. Another crewman struck him in the head while yelling “ijiji bijomunugu! (they we’re about to be paid you fucking tinhole!)”.

Nezha (still running like a bitch), narrowly dodged one of Stalkers lazer blade moves, the blaze went on and hit the melee crewman in the head, decapitating him and saved volt’s ass from a beating.  
Volt got up, and was immadietly met with a squad of lazer ostriches.

he got a visible light bulb on his head

“Nezha you fucking trap listen!”  
“The fuck do you want now?!”  
“make him do that Lazer blade thing again! But to this direction!”  
“look fucker i dont have energy for warding my ass he’ll kill me!”

Volt brought his finger to his helmet, tapping it “He can’t kill you if you’re faster asshole!” 

Nezha felt his systems being overloaded with electric.  
“HOOOOOOOOOOLY SHİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİ-“ he yelled as he reached 200 percent speed outrunning the Stalker with ease

But Stalky-poo wasn’t out of moves yet, and he used the move where he started throwing lazers from War like a madmen.  
Volt watched with absolute awe as he saw how shit nezha was at remembering plans

“you fucking chinese motherfucker this way!”  
“AAAAAAAA” Nezha screamed as it turned around and passed in front of volt so fast Volt almost fell 

and then came the lasers

he watched as Stalker’s lasers destroyed at least 240 Moas and chopped off an elite crewmans dick.

Volt whistled as the remaining waves immaidetly ended.  
Stalker looked at the unneeded destruction it had brought upon the corpus (and ending that dude’s sex life) in an almost guilty way. Guilt as in looking at the severed heads of your family memebers and saying “oops”  
Ordis the starship/mad AI landed on extraction point waiting for the 2 frames to go back.

Nezha fell down as volt’s Rush ended, crashing down in front of Volt’s feet  
“i… can’t fell…. My ass….” He whined  
Volt kicked him in the ribs.  
“ok now i can feel everything.”Nezha said as he clumsily got up.

“cant run from your past tenno…” Stalker yell whispered, i mean the dude always whispers but he was irritated enough to raise his voice.He’s pissed as fuck.  
Nezha and Volt immadietly broke for it while stalker charged up his dashy sword move, Ordis’s hangar door opened, a blinding light flashing in he direction of the 2 pussies and the badass frame murderer.

Stalker charged forward,moving at the speed of mach 5 while whispering demonic rituals of sacrificing tenno flesh to the great one deep in the ocean 

At that moment the light faded to reveal rhino,carrying an archwing minigun and loki behind him stopping a 70’s disc to make the “oh no” sound  
Stalker immadietly froze on spot.

Before he could kneel and say cool shit he was blasted by an array of bullets that didnt take resistance for an answer, effectively sending him airborne and making him drop his back up schyte  
All of the legal frames watched as stalker became a point in the sky and then dissapeared with a satisfying ding  
Rhino looked at the 2 frames.

“why is that guy’s dick chopped off?” he asked.


	2. shit post 2 the shortening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simaris is a creepy mofo

İt had been 3 hours and Ash could still feel it

Cephalon simaris’ gaze.

“you. Hunter!” he called out

Ash whistled walking aroud Simaris’ room. Checking rewards.looking at stuff.  
“Yes you!” he called out again

Ash looked somewhere else and muttered something about Darvo deals and Baro Ki’Teer  
Cephalon Simaris’ visage came closer, the giant orange eye boring a giant meteor hole into ash’s tiny existance.  
“Hunt for me hunter! Let us make the sanctuary even better!”  
“not interested” Ash quickly muttered trying to evade the AI’s gaze 

“But you will, for my rewards are great and-“  
Ash made a dash for freedom, just to have the door closed before he could get out.

“It ıs no use resisting Hunter! You will hunt for The sanctuary! Every day! And I will reward you for it!” the Cephalon said in the mightiest of voices, making ash slid down on the door and sit on the ground  
“alright ok ok what do you want from me?!” Ash said in desperation “Have my credits man just dont do this anymore!”

“I am not in need of your credits hunter! I need you to hunt!” Cephalon suda replied inching closer to Ash

Simaris shoved a syndicate scanner and some beartraps on Ash’s face. “Now go hunt For me hunter!”Simaris boomed “And I’ll be watching you!” with that the doors opened

Ash went off the door, wailing and screaming while carrying a bunch of scanners and beartraps

Oberon and Nekros watched him run back to his orbiter and throw himself in.  
“how many times did this happen again?”  
“wih ash? 23”  
“Damn that guy has no chill”

They watched as nova entered Simaris’ room without a clue of what was gonna happen to her.  
Both of them watched without a single word  
“someone should’ve warned her”  
“what a shame”


	3. shitpost 3: the longening with a quotation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this got out of hand, alongside with typos and errors. i'll look into them

Limbo shot the corpus whit his lasto, ripping a bullet on his head, mesa blow off the head of a poor butcher,valkyr held a heavy gunner in a head lock while inaros slowly ate her head.

“how many waves are left?!” Valkyr asked inaros-who had consumed the poor grineers head by now

“6 more waves friends! Cheerio!” Limbo yelled at her while stabbing a lancer in the face with a karyst, his british accent infuriating valkyr even in the midst of a battle.  
“Not you “friend” i was talking to inaros! İsn’t that right inaros!” she yelled as she turned to check on mummyframe

“rglhn” İnaros mumbled as he devoured another grineer.  
“OH MY FUCKİNG GOD İNAROS SİDE WİTH ME HERE DUDE” Valkyr snapped

Mesa kicked a scorpion in the crotch and then punched her in the chin “would y’all stop bickering and focus on murder?!” she yelled, pulling out her guns and started shooting wildly  
Limbo removed his hat and forcibly put it on a grineer butchers face, while hopping on his shoulders at the same time “im bringing this bag-o-ammo drums your way valkyr!” he piggyrode the poor guy to the uncontrollable bundle of rage and who had by now could be considered a war cirminal.

Limbo leapt off the mans shoulders, just for him to be face to face with valkyr, the bringer of pain. Valkyr screamed at the guy so loudly his brain exploded, covering both Limbo and Valkyr in blood.  
“Oh goodnes Valkyr you ruined my only suit!” limbo said disgusted trying to get rid of the sickly substance on him.

Valkyr laughed like a madframe at his misery, threw her axe on the gorund and went to town on other grineers with her bare fists.

On the other side of the map Inaros was darude memestorming at least 30 grineers, while Mesa stood there, doing the classic cowboy stance.

“ When’r you gonna shoot?” inaros asked  
“ Already shot.” Mesa replied, she would’ve spit on the ground if she could, but her armor had no mouth hole.

“oh” and with that the memestorm ended. Dead grineers started to rain down on him, not a single one however, actually touching him.  
“like shooting fish in a barrel.” Mesa commented “4 more waves y’all keep going” 

And so the grineer rained down upon them,the frames fought back with….well not honor that’s for sure, even limbo fought dirty like taking peoples faces to rift but leaving the rest intact. But they we’re efficient that was for sure!  
Mesa kept shooting the grineer forces from a distance, much more comfortable with handguns than a blade, Inaros got close and personal.His giant health pool practically making him the tank of the group. And he liked eatin the grineer alive to replenish his health,Valkyr however got so close and personal most grineer could be counted as rape victims, she lost herself while fighting after all. Limbo however was using the rift to protect his team from enormous amounts of damage and if he’s not doing that. We’ll he’s nuking the place by taking parts of the rift to the real life.

They kept on going wave after wave, at some point inaros fell down, but got up. No one wanted to know how. When limbo fell down due to a lucky bullet catching him when he was in our dimension,mesa had to help him up since valkyr was too busy shredding lancers and troops apart and inaros was memestorming.

“Partner yer either getting up or broking down!” she said trying to get him up, his hat fell down while doing so  
“Wait no my hat!” he yelled trying to reach down

Mesa raised her head and saw 3 grineer heavy gunners who got past valkyr and inaros coming their way, preparing to open fire.Limbo was still reaching down, most of his body hurt but he couldn’t leave his hat!  
“we’ll get you a new one limbo this is not the time!.”

Limbo however was disgusted by even the idea of another hat “bloody hell mesa im leaving with my hat or not at all!” he replied. 

The grineer opened fire.  
Before the bullets could hit the two squishy frames and down them both limbo forcefully put them to rift with a flick of his hand, the bullets whizzing through them but not hurting.Limbo started to puke blue energy out of his helmet.  
Mesa used one fo the health restores she had brought an used it, fixing limbo’s systems for a bit.  
Limbo dusted himself off and got back his hat.Contently placing it on where it belonged, he snapped his fingers and the grineer in the rift froze.  
He took out A Cronus, the blade giving shining under the light. He looked at mesa and mouthed “thanks bloke”  
Mesa mouthed “no problem partner” back.

 

“last wave mesa!” Inaros yelled ,his health dangerously low.Valkyr had sneaked off to the backline to pull her shit together and get some power orbs to keep her hysteria up. The last wave as harder than the other waves, the grineer onslought continued without signs of never stopping.This wasn’t anyone’s first mission but oh boy it was surely unexpected when they brought a literal tank.  
İt looked like a panzer, a tank from older times of the earth, but was modified by grineer techology.  
Now mesa remembered reading about how these things worked but she was sure it wasn’t this fucking big.

The device let out a mettalic growl and shot once towards them, preffering to Shoot them over the cyropod,Inaros immadietly flew back from the explosion, limbo however had managed to get mesa in the rift before she could be blast off the face o the earth.  
The rift was a sanctuary most of the time, but it was also a trap. They couldnt do anything while inside it.  
“Limbo we gotta get out of the rift!” she said  
“but-“  
“Now!” mesa cut him off, Limbo exaled before taking her out of the rift, she immadietly went for the cyropod, wich was left unguarded for a large amount of time, and was almost destroyed.  
She jumped over the grineer and landed on it.  
She opened fire in all directions.

Meanwhile valkyr and Inaros was trying to destroy the grineer panzer, while limbo was body blocking the gaping bullet maw of it. While in the rift only one thing remained in the real word. one’s mass, so he was there, bu he wasn't.

Wich was perfect for preventing an explosive death bullet from getting shot

Eventually valkyr managed to carve her way into the tank, so did Inaros actually.the second they got in there the 2 frontliners painted the tank’s inner mechanisms red, Limbo assumed they we’re done doing their thing so he got off the barrel and got inside thorugh the hole.  
Valkyr was taking deep breaths as she tried to relax herself a bit, Limbo entered the tank and scanned for controls  
İnaros stared at him with curiosity.

“what’re you doing?” the mummy-frame asked  
“we gotta help meesa” the british fuck replied “valkyr!”

Valkyr raised her head to look at limbo.un-moving otherwise.

Limbo pointed at the shells while sitting on the control module “load those shells, we’re gonna provide artillery!”

The tank was immobile at the time thanks to having 2 holes in it’s body but it’s range was good enough (according to limbo’s quickly made math ) and had a blast strenght just strong enough to clear the grineer troops but not the cowboy frame (again, according to limbo’s math)  
Limbo pulled the trigger.

And missed.

Mesa’s bullets ended alongside her energy, she fell down at the same time a gaint bullet whizzed through them like a fucking asshole and just hit the other side of Mars’ desert plains.Mesa stood there. 

No energy.no bullets.nothing. Nothing could save this mission and the grinneers smiles confirmed it  
They had won.  
They had-

“İM COMİNG OPERATOR”

Wait wha-

The Orbiter came crashing through the place, literally crashing the blood bath and steamrolled everything in it’s way including mesa and cyro-pod and 460 grineers.  
Limbo, valkyr and inaros watched from a distance as Ordis crashed into the area they we’re meant to defend, limbo had his hat on his hand was facepalming had enough force to put Tyl Regor to shame,Inaros had his head down. Not commenting on the fuckery he had became a part of.

 

And valkyr was screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well... reviews are appreciated?
> 
> i-i guess?


	4. Captain vor and puddle boy's extroardinary adventures (but not really)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> most of the frames are depicted by my view of them and if that disturbs you, you are free to write why you disagree

Captain vor could not and would not believe this

“this.” He said   
“is a fucking puddle.”  
Hydroid’s arm came up from the water to make a thumbs up.

Vor pinched his nose and sighed.He looked at the puddle again and sighed harder.

“you can become a puddle.T-t-that’s it?.really?” he said wit a respectable amount of disbelief in his voice.  
Hydroid’s hand came up again and snapped his fingers towards the grineer heavy gunner.

İn an instant 15 tentacles came out of nowhere and started to…. Do very unpleasent things to her.

Vor stared for 3 nano-seconds before deciding that he was done with this shit.

He leant down towards the puddle,put his hands down on the ground and kneeled to be face-to-face with hydroid  
“OK you trash-man,YOU are the fucking line here, i am pulling the line HERE if another tenno with an even more weird and unpracticall ability than yours comes in i’m gonna find this reservoir AND EAT YOU ALİVE,MARK MY FUCKİNG WORDS YOU USELESS PUDDLE.”

Suddenly an extremely ugly shoe broke the hangar ships door, revealing the most stupidest warframe helmet Captain Vor has ever seen, it looked like a fuckin train, he had simple clothing and a “muscular” body. Lines seemed to be coming from his jacket-ish clothes, each having some small ball in them.Vor blinked towards the newcomer in absolute confusion. He tried to figure out what was up with this “warframe”

A fucking fashion murderer? Fucking hell Nef anyo’s “void suit” looked better than that!

The frame’s head snapped towards Vor, it laughed like a fucking prick and reached to it’s pockets.

Vor held up a finger.

“if you pull out a fucking tigris prime from that. I.Will.Fucking.Leave.”

The shitframe audibly winked.  
And pulled a bundle of Dynamite

İt pointed to itself.

“İm Vauban!The greates martial artist alive!”

Captain Vor screeched and jumped away as Vauban started to throw dynamite around the whole place, putting the grineer heavy gunner out of her misery, blowing up the grineer cache and tyl’s tubemen   
with the power of space and mass manupilation.

To avoid the rabid explosions and death that was occuring beneath him,Vor hanged on to a nearby grineer flag hanging on to a wall, his boss instincts kicked in and warned him that the daily “taunt the enemy” alarm was on and wouldn’t go off until he did what it demanded.

Vor took a deep breath

“You call throwing around dynamite a martial art?!” he thre an insult

“Hey! As long as it works cap’ !” Vau-bitch responded and leisurely threw another dynamite at Vor.

Vor winded up his left leg and kicked it back and in short; Vor’s awesome kicking skills had kept him alive and safe, and Vauban’s shitty Modding skills kept him dead as the dynamite made contact with his head, and even tough had a good 6 seconds before exploding with common sense, just immadietly exploded.

Vauban flew out of the door and comically carshed onto a wall, dick first.That got a chuchkle out of Vor, Not becouse he was another autistic and sadistic grineer but becouse he had seen tenno do the same thing to the grineer and the irony was pure gold.  
he looked at the puddle that slowly moved towards him.

“By the void….” He silently muttered and somewhere, somehow a very dogmatic and religious frame heard him, he took his weed capsule on a chain and the headshot-a-tron 5000 and rode his orbiter to the scenario 

Vor got down from the flag,dusted himself off and ordered the vauban frame be collected for inspection, wich wasnt true.Vauban (altough passed out from the concussion of a fucking dynamite) still had some respawns but Vor wasn’t gonna deal with that shit so he was just gonna sell him to some Corpus profit bitch and make some quick plat.  
He reached for his phone and dialed the number of a known Corpus shit bag who was interested in buying warframes for “reasons that has nothing to do with developing a murder dog robot army”

Meanwhile Alad V’s phone ringed.  
He stopped eating the delightfull sunlight jadeleaf salad from his favortie salad plate (it had Salad V written on it.) and responded to the call.  
“hello? This is Alad V speaking”

“yeah alad would you like buying a half dead vauban?”  
“a vauban you say…..” Alad scratched his chin and looked at zanuka, the robot was sitting in doing what it was programmed for.

Being a tenno murdering puppy.

That meant it was just sleeping under the “profit database fire; might not make you warm, but willl help you track the profit!” Alad imagined the dog with a dynamite launcher.  
He smirked “ oh yes i would like to say…. Would you like a very angry and scraming valkyr in return?”

“no Alad i would like 200 platinum” Vor deadpanned.

Alad scratched his chin intensely “200? How about….50?”

Vor gasped “what?! 50?! What are you a fucking void god? it’s at minimum 150 Plat!”

Alad sighed “alright alright i’ll give you your 100 platinum you sad grineer mutt”

“Look alad this is a vauban, tenno all over the place spam as much Alarms as they can to get his neuroptics, if one of my tenno operatives sold this at the bazaar i would get 500 platinium!”  
“500? You do know that the bazaar only lt’s you sell “prime” parts right?”

Vor realised at that moment that the corpus asshat had a whole lot more knowledge about the whole trading thing than he did.At least enough knowledge to know that bazaar didnt permit the nprmal frame market to exist.

He pinched what was left of his nose and accepted the 100 plat offer, it was half of what he wanted but hey it’s better then nothing.

He turned around to the lancers that was getting ready to lift up the frame and throw it onto the nearest space convoy going to Uranus.

“alright you two change of plans, Leave the skoom at a dark place in this glorius grineer astroid base.”  
The first lancer looked at the second and shrugged, they lifted up the fuckfag and started to carry him towards the vestan moss pile.

Vor, now satisfied by his day thanks to the 100 plat that got in his grineer bank system, sighed hapily and took off his lucky void key.

“the void…wish i could go there sometime…” he said for the 500th time on his life,unaware a version of him was already at the void, spewing shit about how he was some kind of prophet.

 

Vor almost dropped his void key when harrow started to play “50 religious beats from the void” in max voice from his boombox with 6 forma.  
Yeah you didn’t think i just forgot about that paragraph up there did you?

“listen to these chants Vor and you too will be a loyal follower of the void!” Harrow called out

Vor, a self proclaimed tenno expert and warframe dealer, only had one question to ask

“Who the fuck are you?!”

Harrow threw the boombox towards him, Vor barely catched the thing and almost fell down due to the sheer weight of it.  
“I am harrow, captan vor! I herd you muttered the name of the void so i came to educate you!”  
Vor looked down to hydro-puddle.  
He pointed at harrow and asked “is he with you?”  
The puddle jiggled negatively  
Vor locked eyes with Harrow and massaged his forehead “oh great….”  
Harrow took of his void thing on a chain, and shoved it of towards Vor, “This….THİS İS A PART OF THE VOİD” he declared as an angelic light appeared behind him, vor took a sniff   
“oh…oh shit” he muttered silently “what the hell…..what is that smell?”

Harrow slithered at mach 5 towards Vors side and put an arm to his shoulder,leaning on him.  
“this….. this is the symbol of void, it smells like perfection doesnt it ?” he asked

Vor cupped his own face with both of his head, attempting to cover his noce, but his robot hands had small opennings in them.  
“it smells like a kubrows asshole…” he commented

 

Harrow snapped his whole body towards him 

“a kubrows asshole?! How dare you be an infidel while using those great gifts the void has bestowed upon you?! İm not even talking about the key, but your signature weapon….the seer.” He said, pointing   
at the gun holstered on his hip.

Vor blinked.

“it has no crit chance” he laid down the facts

Harrows demeanor changed into a little bit more….less intimidating, he straigthened his back up and put his hands on his back assuming a noble space pope stance  
“that’s undertandable, after all the void demands i punish myself to get stronger as well, you see-“

Vor cut him offf wit a shake off his hand “looook new frame thats gonna be a pain in my ass later on, when the meta gods get their dirty formas on you.I am an important Man with important matters, i have a cache full of void keys and 100 plat waiting for me back at home and krils gonna get some Ruks' claw juice so i’m just gonna cut you off, call it a day, and leave.” He looked at puddle beneath his feet 

“puddle boy.Get us out of here.” He ordered

Hydroid turned into a tsunami with vor on top off him an rode off for the extraction.  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am i disualified yet?


	5. Our lord and some shady business.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> huh.

They wrote the sacred words of the lord  
They chanted the sacred words of the lord  
And the Lord answered

 

“The fuck do you want now?” a voice boomed, shaking the Mountain clan   
“oh almighty Lord….we have brought you sacrifices!” one of them said, rising their hands and praising the invisible voice.

“…You tin fucks murdered a bunch of grİneer lancers and stored them on top of a pentagram.”

The second hooded figure nodded, their voice was thinner than the first’s “yes m’lord”they said “we have”

“and stored a shit load of Oxium here.”

The 3rd, the biggest figure stepped up “My lord We just want to strike a bargain with you.” They said.

 

In a bright red flash, a floating and glowing emblem appeared, It was unlike any sentinel or cephalon, it Raidiated power, ıt’s rank was so high the number couldn’t be spelled out,it was the strongest enemy, strongest ally,strongest warframe. İt was and still is, the Meta

DE looked at the frames encircling it “you guys weren’t wearing those things before.” İt sighed “why the hell are you guys wering those?”  
“Oh almighty Lord we have-“

“Oh shut the fuck up what do you want now? I was in Midst of making eidolon available so if you take moe than 20 minutes i’ll need to delay it to next millenium”

The big cloaked figure backed off “My lord we-“ DE once again didn’t wait for a response.How rude. “well you we’re wrong atlas I am not buffing you. You just suck and you’ll suck F-O-R-E-V-E-R”  
Atlas removed the cloak anime style,standing in his full glory,   
“Excalibur had the power he wished for, Why cant the rest of us have it?” he pointed at the other 2 frames trying to get the cloak off like that, but sadly chromas tail was making that a bit hard for him so volt had to help him with that (wich took at least 5 minutes)

“15 minutes Rock face make your point quick or Eidolon gets delayed to oblivion” DE said with the pressure only a company could giv  
Atlas turned to DE ,tature unmoving and hands steady –unlike the 2 frames that was covering behind his manly man pose-

“for many years frames like saryn and trinity has been taking the spotlight, your book of meta-“DE gasped “I have nothing to do with Meta!” a voice called out to him, ıt was hardly heard “sir it’s the meta lords they wanted to ask wich frame they should take on-“ “Not now james!”

“…..and we have no use for anyone appearantly”

“godamn right!” DE cackled, it’s emblem shining and glowing with each sound it made “You especially chroma,you- “sir the players are demanding chroma buffs.” “fuck off james tell them we’ll get on working on it!”

Chroma perked up when he heard that,Atlas turned around for a split second and gave him a lighting fast thumbs up only a anime boxer could give.  
“Lord, we have worked and sacrificed in your name so you would give us one wish, we know that might be toom uch of your time, but please make us viable!” Atlas raised his arms, adressing the all powerfull being in front of him, “And if you don’t….”

“-to hell with you? Oh come the fuck on atlas.” DE cut him off “You are not as good as other frames atlas, no one can be as good as the meta lords, we made them to be better and stronger. But you can get some good weapons, a good melee would-“ DE mock gasped “OH wait! You don’t use melee weapons HAHA Gotcha!”

Atlas dropped his arms, looking down in shame, ıt was true he preffered his fists…

“Do i need to talk about volt over there? He doesnt do shit!” DE kept going “And-“ “sir, the playerbase is calling” “t-the what?! Who gave them our” “they want to talk to you” “wait wha-“   
Suddenly with a demonic crack another symbol appeared, everything about it was unknown,volt could feel his scanner go off in his pockets and for once he didn’t have anything to do with explosing electronics.   
“DE YOU STUPİD SELL-OUT WHAT İS THİS TALK OF EİDOLONS GETTİNG DELAYED”  
“uh….l-l-look d-d-dear i can e-explain” DE stammered  
“LİSTEN YOU COCKHEAD WE DO NOT WANT A REPLAY OF THE WAR WİTHİN DO WE?”  
“w-well of course we d-don’t”  
“OH REALLY WHAT ABOUT THE META DE?? WHAT ABOUT THE META WİLL YOU FİX THAT?”  
“d-dear you know i don’t” “sir it’s the meta councill again they-“ “jamison you are fired!”  
“NO JAMİSON STAYS YOU CROOK! HES A GOOD EMPLOYEE BUT YOU ARE A SHİT COMPANY NOW FİX YOU SHİT!”  
“l-look dear the game is-“  
“NOT ENOUGH! TRY BETTER”  
“ı will I will dear-“  
“AND THE NEW FRAME?”  
“th glass dude yeah…..his quest is not gonna be too farmy! Promise!”  
“YOU SAİD THAT ABOUT CHROMA!”  
“I didn’t think you would like the guy!”  
“I LOVE HİM”  
“oh ok dear I think you should hang up now, I mea-“  
“ARE YOU TRYİNG TO CHOP THİS İNTERWİEW SHORT YOU FUCK”  
“love you bye!”  
*beep*  
DE breathed in and out, very slowly. “jamison. You are back on the job.” “….ok sir”  
“i got 2 more minutes and thanks to the fanbase the breathing dwon my neck right now…I avtually have to listen to you morons….so go on.” He said. After 3 seconds of silence De bellowed “come on you got 2 minutes!”  
Atlas nodded before spending the next 2 minutes taking about volts stat’s, his 2, and chromas 3 useless energy colors.DE sighed and made a nodding move with his entire logo, listening intently   
“well guys… you got no more time left, but I can’t delay eidolons thanks the playerbase bashing my dick in.”  
And with that DEs logo Dissapeared with the same red flash. The room turned ack into it’s normal blue-ish glow.  
Atlas turned around the other 2.  
And gave them a big crushing hug  
“We did it!!” they yelled “We-“  
At that moment the door opened.  
“what’s…going on here?” The clan leader, A Frost prime said. His Pajama sized armor set and cape.“uhh….” The 3 frames stammered.  
“You know what ı don’t wanna know.”And with that the prime left the room to go back to bed with a quick “warframes don’t matter,this is the melee meta scrubs…”

*  
The corpus crewman had no idea where it came from.  
But right there, in front of him lay a technological wonder!  
It was mostly a cube but it had such distinct connections with profit database!It didn’t end there as well…this piece of art was almost unkillable, he should call his superiors and tell them that-

The corpus lackey immadietly blacked out when a black and gold baton struck his head, 3 men with black uniforms and sunglasses stared at the unconcius body, the one with the black and gold baton adjusted his glasses while one of the other two reached to his neck “sir? We got the leak.”

“Good” a voice responded “take it, and destroy it! İf that leak gets out….”

The third one reached inside his vest and pulled out a triangle-ish object, “de-conctructor. Ready.” He said in a monotounus voice. He walked towards the cube-ish thing, and showed the triangle deep in it. A electronic buzing cameo ut of it, almost like a sream. The reality around it warped into a vision of the fututre…all wrong geometry and madness.People running around. The cube slowly started to turn to ash, the elctronic buzzing got stronger. The men pressed their tie’s almost like they we’re trying to touch a button. Altough 2 of them –the one on the left and the one holding the triangle, had only pressed it once but the one on the right pressed it 3 times and then looked at the man at his left.

The men at his left handed him a gun.

 

The man at the right took the gun and shot himself in the head.

 

The cube completely dissapeared, the mans body w started to bend , it was almost like the energy from the cube was forcing itself into the body, the dead man bent and changed, his arm twisted in unnatural ways, making a pefect E while his legs went into each other, making a Y.  
The man on the left took out a notebook and pen, he scribbled somethin onto it.  
The deceased man started to rot at inhumane speeds, his flesh rotting away and giving out a foul smell.

İn mere seconds nothing but mere dust was left of the entity.

 

The men with the triangle reached to his tie and pressed it, and then touched his neck.

“Base. We’re done here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, do comment, even if you're gonna type not so nice things. this is what the internet is for after all.


	6. The great Kavat War and how it ended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes. I have a personal problem with kavats.
> 
> fuck 'em

After a Hard excavation that lasted for a month, nothing is like going back to your ship and inhaling some argon crystal rolls.  
Please don’t tell Lotus about it.  
But apart from that, the excavation was very hard on Oberon, healing and raising grass. And then mowing ass, and then healing ass, and thne figthing against excalibur ıs a fuCking IDIOT WHO THİNKS-  
“mew”  
What the fuck.  
“mew”  
Oberon reached slowly-very slowly- into his warframe pocket, and then picked up the scanner, he raised to his “eyes” and turned it on.

The room as filled to the absolute fucking brim with kavats.

Oberon sighed.  
“NİDUS!” he screamed “GET YOUR UGLY ASS OVER HERE YOU CUNT!”

Nidus’ head popped up from the Kavat mountain blocking the codex, nidus looked around himself,inhaled and the roared the kavat dominion roar.

The kavats got off the codex, they we’re all rather naked and some had several scars, most ofthem we’re low ranked and hardly modded.“Oberon! İ’m glad you made ıt friend!“ Nidus walked up to him and gave oberon a hug “You see me and my akvat frineds-“  
“get off me!” Oberon pushed Nidus away with both of his hands “And what the hell are you doing on my ship?! How did you get in?! What are all these kavats doing here?!”

Nidus got up and put his palms at his waist, making a proud “ım a vegan” pose. Nevertheless the say, ıf Oberon absolutely hated someone with all of his body, It was…It was….  
It was Rhino.

But Nıdus the ultimate hippie who refused to kill infested under any situation and always tried to “resolve conflict without violence” and always said stuff like “murder is not a solution!” or “Pacifism is the REAl shizz!” came pretty fucking close to Rhino.  
“well, you see ı was taking a stroll through the Infested homeship-“

"I am sure it is not called that”

“and one of those adorable kavats started to follow me! It was magical! But then others started to follow me as well!, and then-“ Suddenly a horrible roar came from the lower parts of Orbiter.  
Oberon’s head slowly turned there, his palms shaking and voice quivering he asked “what the fuck is down there?” He locked viors with Nıdus “what the fuck is down there” he asked again

Nıdus gulped “the bloodclaws…they took control of this ship….” But then his entire demeneaor lighted up as several (hundreds) of kavats rained down on him “…but me and the thundrpaws are goinna get ıt back Oberon!”

Oberon however was pacing around the ship, try,ng to keep ıntrusive toughts such as  
-what’s gonna happen to my Shakespear books?  
-How about my Poem books  
-My fine flower collection  
-My tree shaped like me

And many more. While he was pacing, hypeventilating and having an emotional breakdown he didn’t notice Nidus creeping up behind him. When the gay ass hug came around him he wasn’t to blame for the Dıck destroyıng kick he delivered with his hoofs.

In short ıt was a mess.

Meanwhile Hunhow was having problems with the Evil kavat force he had in the basement.

His plan was to get every Kavat to be a spy against the tenno, since the current meta didn’t favor the Companions but favored flying Cubes with eyes (and every tenno would take anything ot their orbiter as long as it reminded them of something cute) he figured that ,t would be easy to kill the “operators by disguising himself as a kavat and then systematically being the long ranged pack leader of every kavat ever. W,ch meant he could have acces to almost every orbiter ever, wich meant he could murder the tenno with ease. Wich meant a happy ending for him. Wich was getting his daughter to like him again.

Damn being a dad was hard. But he tried his best!

 

There was one single problem.  
Some of the kavats wouldn’t listen to him, opting to go for the nearest nidus styled warframe ınstead. With a quick move of his hand –paw actually, he was a giant ancient sızed kavat right now- he ordered more defenses be set and more weapos be pillaged. If he learnt anything from the last 5 hours ıt was that a kavat wıelding a ceramıc dagger was actually terrifying.  
Serıusly you’d thınk the ceramıc dagger would be shitty but ıt turned ınto a death machıne ın the hands-Jaws- of a kavat.  
Hunhow waited for the pathetic “stormpaws” to try and take his soon-to-be empire down.

Oberon –not listening to Nıdus’ chants about how geat the stormpaws where- charged ınto his basement, he had hıs magıstar out, he was pıssed and he felt edgy as fuck (wıch ıs the only thing you should be feeling when your’re about to go to town on kavats.)  
“Alrıight you Fucking Infested flesh eating Kubrowlings You either get the Fuck out of my- IS THAT ATHRONE MADE OUT OF MY POEM COLLECTION” he screamed at the gıant red kavat sıttıng on his poems that we’re glued together “MY SHAKESPEAR BOOKS!” he said pointing at the wall that was made on the opposite dırectıon of the codex room. “OH GO NO MY TREE SHAPED LIKE ME.” He pointed at the Kavat sharpening ıt’s claws on the trunk of the “tree shaped like oberon”  
Oberon took quşck breaths and tried to remembe what equınox said to him before the Mıssıon

“Why would you ask me about your mental problems what the fuck do ı look lıke to you some kınd of fuckıng therapıst?”  
“I-I don’t know I thoguht sınce you always changed your…genders….?”  
“Obron ı would beat you ınto a pulp ıf you weren’t vıtal to our operatıon.”  
…oh rıght.  
Oh we’ll mıght as well carry on then.  
Oberon raısed the maıstar and wıthout any kınd of mercy or regret, brought ıt onto a kavat wıthout losıng momentum, kıllıng the poor feline creature wıth a sickening CRUNCH and making his way onto the national cat enemy list.  
And the Oberon did it again, he didn’t really care actually, there mıght’ve been a thousand cats there but he had a magıstar and the sound of kaavat bones crunching was non-ending and he liked it and he never wanted to stop and-  
OH GOD THE PAİN OH GOD HIS BACK SOMETHİNG IS ON HIS BACK OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT.  
One of the kavats had stabbed hım on the back wıth a creamıc dagger, ıt slided besides hıs face, holdıng ıtself on top of hıs shoulder plates.  
İt came closer to hıs ears (or where they would be ıf they existed)  
“omae wa mou shindeiru” ıt whıspered while boring holes ınto hım wıth ıt’s yeallow eyes. Another ceramıc dagger appeared on ıt’s jaws. All oberon could do was whımper helplessly.  
Suddenly a Jat kıttag struck the evıl kavat sendıng ıt aırborne and breakıng ı’s spıne.  
“go forth my fellow stormpaws! Show these ımperıals what ıt’s lıke to be Free kavats!”  
Oberon groaned as he fell down.  
Nıdus rushed to hıs sıde ın the mıdst ıf the bloody kavat on kavat battle, holding oberon up and putting his hand on the knıfe struck on hıs back.  
Nıdus looked Oberon deeply ın the eyes  
“you have a blade on your back.” Nıdus whipered.  
Oberon wanted nothing more than one chance to throw Nidus ınto outer-space.”just take the thıing of and let me heal myself.” He saıd, those words gav hım sp much paın to say, but he was sure Nıdus was goıng to try and kıss ıt better and the mere tought of that disguisted him.  
Nıdus cautıously took the knıfe out, the whole ıt felt made hım want to vomit but he enured for hıs good friend. Oberon gasped when the blade left hıs armor, he was shakıng and hıs knees we’re feeling like 8 hour long memeand-toilet session but he got up and started hıs healıng waves.  
Thats when hıs vısıon had cleared.

There we’re dead kavats everywhere, so many stormpaws and bloodclaws layıng on the gound dead, someh ad horrible dread crıts on them, some of the we’re mutılated by a scındo. One was kılled by one of hıs books, he kept lookıng around and the more he looked the moe kavats we’e dyıng.

But the war wasn’t goıng to be the stormpaw’s. Oh no…. The stormpaws we’re losing horribly. From the sıde of hıs eye, Oberon saw hım, the gıant cat that was sıttıng on hıs poems, the Kavat Emperor.  
“Tenno.” The cat spoke wıth a deep, ancestral voice.

Oh fuck that’s Hunhow.

Oberon had little tıme to recover before Nıdus wealkedu p to the cathow, trying to talk to ıt about the life that he was wastıng…. We’lll emphasıze on tried becouse hunhow swatted Nıdus on to side like he was some kınd of stupid…stupid….stupid thing…..-y…..naıled ıt,thought oberon. 

Hunhow raised hıs head to meet oberons gaze many would get cautıus when oberon layed hıs trademarked “angry guy” gaze on them….But cathow was different,hunmeow was too much of a badass to take care of that easily, He was big, he had no fur but had some sharp claws and had that bullshit sentient resilience bullshit.  
So naturally when oberon attempted to raıse some murder grass He practıcally 1-shot oberon wıth hıs eye-lasers.

Becouse cathow has eye lasers. Fuck the tenno.

Those we’re the thoughts that we’re going through Oberons mind as he layed helplessly in a corner. Hunhow slowly approached him and said something about how weak and fragile the tenno where, you know. General Hunhow stuff, just bad guy dıalogues.

“-and when ı have my daughter back, the galaxy will finally be cleaned of your filth!” ıt hissed the filth part. Wıch was actually kında cool and would be nıce meme for the communıty.

Had it not been for the Orbıters AI not being Online and pestering all of them with shitty ass puns he would’ve gotten away with it, yet when Hunhow flew to the other side of the ship and hit the wall with a loud thud everyone knew the meme was dead.

Hunhow –not very good at dealing with pain, howled,he had some bruised bones and maybe some internal bleeding but that was it, Oberon had managed to hang on to the ship’s surface (thanks god for the grass) and Nidus had used his creepy tentacle-in-a-black-hole move to pull all the cats into one place.

Nidus being Nidus –depending on how you look at it, was a selfless soul, so he of couse didn’t think about saving himself from the same fate as Hunhow.

Oberon was seriusly panicking now, not only was his poems and books we’re ruined, but they had just Clashed with a FUCKİNG GRİNEER CRUİSER.

“What” a breath “is” another breath “the-“ an incredible coughing fit “meaning of thissss?!”

Oberon cringed at the sound of generals ruk’s incredibly bad speaking. “oh my fucking god” he whispered to himself “it’s general COPD great. Just What I need. Cat with a side of grade A burn mark-“ his inner dialogue was cut in hald when the wall next to him blew up in a fire show.General sargas Ruk walked into the tenno ship, heh ad never been in one, but just this evening while he was thinking about taking a walk trough the decks and show off his new battle armors shiny “pls shoot” parts, an actual Orbiter has crashed with His cruiser!

Of course he was generally on a planet but he had the rights to change places! At least he had when his superiors gave him the permission.Wich took a lot of bribibng actually.  
Well that or begging and damnit general Sargas Fucking Ruk does not Beg!

Except for that one time where a prime threatened his lovely severed head connection (HE WOULD FİND THAT EMBER AND INHALE THE LAST OF HER BREATHS!)(wait did he just assume gender?)(gah! Focus)

While that incredibly specific inner monologue was going on Oberon had skidded over to nidus and was trying to revive him, and goddamnit he was not gonne lose his home in midst of a kavat c,v,l war and General Asthma! Nıdus’ inner circiuts and neuroptics we’re slowly coming together, and since Oberon was trying to revive as a whole, wich meant he was actually touching Nidus, the two looked Gay as hell.

Oberon was so gonna get a cold shower.

Ruk (and some other lancers) we’re raining into the ship, holding their own against the kavat civil war, and since the whoe area was pretty cramped Ruk couldn do a lot without blowing the whole place up. But heh ad his actual battle armor up wich kinda meant he was invincible.  
Cathow leapt to one of the lancers, knocked him off his feet and took a bite of his face, to his luck, the lancer dropped a healing capsule. While the other şancer was doing what a lancer did best.

Watched as his friend got killed. 

Ruk sighed as he watched his man at work, the armor and the stance made them look so elegant…but damn we’re they idiots…  
“Your men looks very sharp there Orokin slave” Cathow purred “Maybe they would work better in my or”  
Ruk raised his arm and sent some lovely fires on cathows direction “Zip it!” he yelled.

hunMew immadietly catched on fire, but just like the monster in stranger things, he only screamed. He was only acting, fire had been used on him already.”Ha! your pathetic flames won’t affect me Slave!” he yelled and jumped towards Ruk.

Oberon had almost completely repaired Nidus, while nidus was laying down words of praise and small rubbish like that. In times like these Oberon seriusly felt like Lotus herself. Tired angry and too old for his shit. He watched as Hunhow and Ruk duked it off ata corner while the Kavats jump at and stab each other, Oberon grabbed Nidus by the arms, and straightened him up

“alright I need you to do 2 things for me ok?” he asked to the infested frame “1) start walking towards the upper parts of the orbiter and 2) Not a single word goes out about me repairing you like a complete faggot!”

The duo walked up the ramp, Nidus looked back at the war going near the foundry and all that, Altough oberon cold bloodedly walked away,Nidus couldn’t stop but look back one last time. He remembered that he was the cause of this.

Oh no.

He had literally brought all of these cats and the war and disactivated the AI of the Orbiter like a complete idiot!

“jesus Nidus I hate you.” Oberon said after collapsing on top of the Codex “Not only do you bring those kavats into my living quarter, but you also deactivate my-wait how did you deactivate it?” that was multi billiar Platinium question right there, how did Nids even bring all these cats into Oberon’s Home?

Well, actuallly he didn’t de-activate the Orbiter Artificiall intelligence. Maroo did.

You see, Oberon had a…shady deal with Maroo, who he promised ayatan treasures against the books. He got the books in advance, but like all tenno tought of the person in front of him like an NPC in a video game.Well Maroo did’nt really like that and as payback, arranged this whole thing. A simple sentence screamed in the void, a little bit of actuall infested meat on Nidus’s exoplate and most importantly, the de-activation of the AI.

It was all a plan for Maroos revenge.

We’ll it was a shame that Lotus was listening and getting ready to make a deus ex machina.

“uh well….it was already gone when i…” Nidus stuttered  
“Oh cut it off Nidus how?”  
“u-u-um….”

A loud explosion wash eard from the basement. 

Both frames looked at each other.

Another one

“what as that?”

A bunch of sentinel disco ball sounds.

“oh my gosh is that sentinels?” Nidus said “Oberon please hold me i had a very traumatic exp-“

The sounds of a daughter to father talk 

“No Nidus! If you’re looking for comfort, then get a time machine!” Oberon whispered

Screaming about timeless dunes of sand and apologies

“….Do you hate me that much?” Nidus asked

More screaming.

“Yes I do! But here’s a little secret buffoon!” Oberon raised his hands

…Silence.

“I don’t like anyone ok?” Oberon whispered. “and that will never change.”

The Lotus entered the room, covered in blood and kavat entrails, some tears we’re in her head. “we’re you guys having an emotional moment?” she asked in an out-of-caracther moment.  
“ugh…yeah?” Nidus answered as nicely aas he could

“good. I’m joining in then.” She said, sat down front of the window, and took out a Argon cystal roll

“wait you smoke?” Oberon asked with amazement, “don’t tell to the children, but it’s been a long day.”

“and what did you do to th-“ 

“I killed them Nidus. I am covered with their intestines.” Lotus said “İt’s not rocket science dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you love kavats and don't like the way i handled them here? feel free to say "fuck you author you useless piece of shit"
> 
> Bu seriusly fuck kavats  
> (anywhays ı write these whenever im very high or very bored so yes this might not get frequent updates all that much)

**Author's Note:**

> liked it? then leave contently
> 
> didn't like it? feel free to rip into my work in the comments and I will change my work (or atlest attempt to) accordingly


End file.
